


Depression Meals

by MarkoftheAsphodel



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes, Fire Emblem Series
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Body Doubles, Clive/Mathilda in the background but it's not ABOUT them, Depression Meme Jokes, Gen, Generation Gap, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Social drinking, Suicidal Thoughts, Terrible food
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-04-29 01:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14462097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarkoftheAsphodel/pseuds/MarkoftheAsphodel
Summary: Off-duty hijinks in the Askr commissary with a subset of the Order of Heroes who range from "too old for this nonsense" to "REALLY too old for this nonsense." But hey, it's Askr, and nobody's exempt from the weirdness now. On a really bad day, you might even meet your other self in the hallway.





	1. Meal #171: Bear Meat

**Author's Note:**

> I've written periodic snippets of things called "The Jeigan Club" starring the veteran horsey units of various FE games since FE13 introduced the Outrealms; FEH just added fuel to the fire. Hopefully Marcus, Mycen, Midia, Isadora, and some others get in eventually!

_Askr, Order of Heroes commissary. Several veteran cavalry knights are sitting at corner tables amid the disorder of a half-eaten lunch. SETH has a cleaned plate in front of him, FINN is slowly working through the meal with his weapon balanced on his lap in plain violation of commissary rules, and FREDERICK has nothing at all at his place setting. At the next table over, JAGEN and GUNTER are drinking tea as CLIVE and MATHILDA stare into one another’s eyes. TITANIA approaches the table with a plate of a thick cut of some meat in dark gravy._

SETH: “You’re having seconds?”

FREDERICK: “Of… that?”

_TITANIA smiles serenely as she joins them at the table. She’s used to FREDERICK’S squeamishness by now. Several seconds pass._

FINN: “Is there something wrong with this meat?”

_FINN is new to Askr and does not understand why everyone is acting strange about a free plate of hot food._

FREDERICK: “It’s bear meat.”

_This said as though everyone at table should understand the horror._

TITANIA: “It is most nutritious and sustains one during high activity, like any proper meal.”

SETH: “Of course.”

_SETH looks like he wants out of his conversation. FINN resumes eating because if it’s not actual poison, he does not care. There’s a slight chance he doesn’t care even if it is._

TITANIA: “That last sally at Rival Domains didn’t go according to plan, so I’ll be adding another round of training to my schedule. I’ll need this for the energy to get through the fight in one piece.”

_FREDERICK makes a noise of assent, because her words of fitness zeal have moved him even if he is still looking at her lunch in disgust._

SETH: “Actually, following that particular failure I had an earnest conversation with our Summoner about it. I know their practice is to keep all of us alive at all costs, but for some of these battles, a less delicate strategy may be required.”

_TITANIA stops chewing and puts her fork down with a clank. A bead of sweat appears at FREDERICK’S brow. FINN looks up from his plate and senses he’s enmeshed in another long-standing argument. JAGEN and GUNTER, attuned to the change in atmosphere at the next table, begin to pay attention to the conversation. CLIVE and MATHILDA haven’t noticed a thing and CLIVE is playing with MATHILDA’s hair. FREDERICK rises from the table._

FREDERICK: “I must embark on an afternoon patrol. There was some ivy on a corner turret that I fear may weaken the masonry if left unchecked.”

_FINN, done at last with his meal, stands up also, lance already in hand. He’s not going to be happy when FREDERICK uses it to pull ivy down but he doesn’t know that yet._

FINN: “Allow me to accompany you. I’d like to know the castle’s plan better, in case of fire.”

_FREDERICK and FINN depart, talking at each other of what calamities, probable or not, might befall the grand castle. TITANIA levels a glare at SETH across the table._

TITANIA: “Survival is part of our victories. Don’t let down our Summoner.”

SETH: “Each victory has its own dear cost, Titania.”

_SETH is looking slightly ill. Maybe it’s TITANIA’s withering glare, maybe it’s the bear meat. Maybe it’s that he’s slowly dying from an accursed wound and none of his new friends have noticed it yet._

JAGEN (loudly, because he’s old and stuff): “I can’t understand the young people these days, with their ‘depression humor’ and ‘depression meals’ and all these jokes about wanting to die.”

_GUNTER snorts and takes a long sip of his tea. CLIVE and MATHILDA are nose to nose; they wouldn’t know depression humor if it bit them. They also might not notice if the castle actually was on fire. TITANIA sighs and returns to the bear meat. One day, when all of this is over, she might admit to Frederick the stuff really isn’t palatable._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEH did some, uh, interesting things with Seth's characterization. Anyway, we've got Good Grandpa, Bad Grandpa, Den Mom, Hot Mess #1, Hot Mess #2, the Lovebirds, and Frederick the wacky uncle or whatever he fits as.


	2. Meal #189: Not Very Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Titania comes up with a quality-of-life improvement for the entire team and everyone else fails to transcend their basic nature.

_Lunchtime at the commissary again. FREDERICK, SETH, FINN, JAGEN, GUNTER, MATHILDA, and CLIVE are at their usual pair of tables. TITANIA hasn’t arrived yet. Everybody is pushing around some kind of casserole containing meat and green peas, save for MATHILDA and CLIVE who are drinking what appears to be one soda with two straws. Since there is nothing good to say about lunch, FREDERICK is telling a story on his favorite subject in the world._

FREDERICK: “Milord Chrom came back from that battle shivering like a leaf in a gale. Thankfully I had this muffler at the ready to place around his neck the instant he returned and so ease his discomfort.”

_FREDERICK displays a strip of hand-knitted material that demonstrates his taste in color-matching is every bit as poor as Princess Lucina’s._

FINN: “That is indeed dedication, Frederick. If you don’t mind my asking, old _are_ your prince and princess?”

_Based on several weeks of FREDERICK’S stories, FINN is under the impression that Prince Chrom is no more than twelve years old and Princess Lissa a few years younger— a bit young for battle, perhaps, but these are extreme circumstances, and he’s gathered the prince of Ylisse does have divine lineage and a holy weapon… even if daily objects would seem to pose a mortal hazard to him._

FREDERICK: “Milord Chrom is soon to be nineteen!”

FINN: “Oh.”

_A self-aware person would have heard something… off… in that response, but FREDERICK is not especially self-aware and is savoring the afterglow of a duty well-performed. SETH, bored by Prince Chrom Story #1671, sees that TITANIA is headed their way and puts on a broad smile. He has been practicing in the mirror in an attempt to seem more affable._

TITANIA: “I have won for us a small victory, friends.”

_Everybody perks up at the word ‘victory,’ save for FINN who has, as we say, noped out of the conversation from the cognitive dissonance of realizing the child-like prince of FREDERICK’s stories is a man grown. JAGEN and GUNTER move their chairs closer to the other table and MATHILDA &CLIVE turn their heads in unison._

TITANIA: “I think even the most fair-minded among us can agree that the food here is sometimes… lacking. Or, to put it plainly, not very good.”

_A general murmur of “Hear, hear” passes around the table and some forks are clinked against plates._

TITANIA: “But we do have an answer for that. We’ve been using my comrade Oscar as what you might call a jack-of-all trades for the Order, bouncing him between the council room and the training tower, but his truest passion is cooking and that gives us a solution to the problem here at the commissary. I’ve convinced Summoner Kiran to appoint Oscar to be the full-time assistant chef of the commissary, where he’ll see to it that every one of the Order is fed with the same care he gave to our mercenaries back home.”

_TITANIA sits back with a smile. She is met with enthusiastic nods and murmurs from everyone else present. Well, most everyone else present._

SETH: “Are we certain that’s the right course, Titania? While we’ve no lack of experienced heads in the council…”

_SETH glances at the wealth of experience seated around him to include them all in the conversation._

SETH: “Oscar has a manner with our youngest trainees, a way of setting them at ease when coaching them that no one else can easily match.”

_FREDERICK goes “hmm” with furrowed brow as he takes in what SETH is saying. TITANIA keeps smiling, but she’s trying to figure out why it is that SETH always has to pour cold water on everyone’s ideas._

JAGEN: “Come now, Seth. We’ve no shortage of fine trainers in this army. Let’s toast Dame Titania for an exemplary solution to one of our greatest problems.”

_FREDERICK and GUNTER raise their cups. MATHILDA- &-CLIVE have a brief struggle over the soda glass before doing likewise, hands entwined. JAGEN gives a none-too-gentle poke to the arm of FINN, who’s been staring into space this entire exchange, and FINN joins the toast without changing his blank expression. It keeps slipping JAGEN’s mind that TITANIA isn’t a knight anymore and is perfectly happy that way, thank you very much old man, but she’s grateful for the public support._

TITANIA: “It will be marvelous. Oscar’s spent months talking to everyone in the Order about their favorite foods, the things from back home they crave. We can expect some things on the menu to please our Hoshidan friends, for instance— they never get a taste of home outside of their holidays.”

_GUNTER makes a low noise that might possibly be “There’s a reason for that,” or something close to it, then covers the lapse with a long sip of his tea. JAGEN probably didn’t hear it and the younger knights are all preoccupied enough with their own thoughts now. MATHILDACLIVE are already discussing what delicacies from Valentia the talented Oscar might recreate given the right ingredients._

TITANIA: “Frederick, I’ll wager that Oscar’s talent could make you eat bear meat and like it.”

FREDERICK: “Ahh… I look… forward… to the challenge? That said, I do believe Seth has a point about Oscar’s winning ways with young trainees, so I believe I’ll go seeking new coaching applicants right now!”

_FREDERICK beats a hasty retreat. SETH lets out a sigh and follows him. Part of him is genuinely upset at losing so good an assistant coach without even being asked if Oscar was expendable. Part of him is kicking himself for just not being good at this whole “friends” business. TITANIA turns in her chair to watch them leave._

TITANIA: “Why is he like that?”

FINN: “Sir Frederick?”

TITANIA: “No, Seth.”

_TITANIA doesn’t really expect an answer today, and when she doesn’t get one she attempts to force down some of the now-cooling casserole. She wonders what kind of horsemeat went into today’s special… but at least now they won’t all have to suffer much longer. This makes her smile again._

TITANIA: “This isn’t really the best place to be sociable, is it? There’s a little spot here that used to be a private officers’ mess before the Order expanded to the numbers we have now. It’s off-limits to the young ones and that makes it nice and quiet if one just wants to talk.”

_MATHILDACLIVE have reached the bottom of their soda and the sound of bubbles in a straw is clearly audible._

TITANIA: “Meet you after practice tonight?”

FINN: “Yes. That sounds like a plan.”

_FINN smiles back at TITANIA after a moment; it’s obvious he hasn't practiced at being affable in a long, long time. Over at the other table, JAGEN and GUNTER are openly debating the propriety of public these displays of affection amongst young soldiers. Everyone exists in the same space and yet in their own odd little spheres, not unlike the orbs they arrived in._

**To Be Continued in the next installment, "A Beer and a Shot"**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea that the food in Askr ain't great, at least to the tastes of someone from Tellius, comes from one of Sothe's FEH quotes. Likewise the idea that Askr is "more Nohr than Hoshido" comes right from Hana's dialogue.


	3. Meal #190: A Beer and a Shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Titania and Finn attempt to get some peace and quiet in the cantina only to discover there's something more disruptive than Frederick. 
> 
> Two Fredericks.

_Late evening, at the cantina that used to be the officers’ private mess for the Order of Heroes. There’s a bead curtain at the door, a smoked mirror behind the bar, and a string of randomly blinking fairy lights strung above it. TITANIA and FINN sit alone at said bar; FINN’s lance is propped up against the wall, directly underneath the sign that reads “Absolutely No Weapons No Exceptions This Means You!” with icons of swords, lances,_ et cetera _helpfully x-ed out for the benefit of those who can’t read._

_ANNA, esteemed Commander of the Order of Heroes, is moonlighting as the bartender. She does this often and in fact has a camera tucked behind the counter in case anything happens that’ll make good copy aka profitable pictures. This isn’t it, though. Just two Heroes who aren’t young enough or exalted enough— or infamous enough— to be good copy, mildly buzzed and talking mostly of raising children under unusual circumstances. Very special children. Very special children sired by most remarkable and heroic men. ANNA listens as she pretends to polish the taps for the third time that night just in case something salacious comes up._

TITANIA: “I have a dream now and again, that he shows up here. The Divine Knight of Daein— why wouldn’t he belong among the greatest Heroes? In the dream, he’s always just as he was when I met him. The way he was when I first knew I was going to stay at his side… but then it dissolves with the morning.”

FINN: “A dream only… is this not a place where all things are possible?”

_TITANIA sighs, more heavily than she ever does out in public, and she toys with a lock of hair that’s come loose from her braid. FINN tosses back the shot of some horrible burning liquid that ANNA swore was a prized specialty of Askr. At that moment, FREDERICK comes sailing through the cheap bead curtains at the back of the room._

FINN: “Where’s the fire, Sir Frederick?”

_FINN’s hand has already closed around his lance._

FREDERICK: “Fire?”

_FREDERICK is, for once, at a loss for words. He doesn’t rightly know if there’s a genuine fire raging through the castle that requires his immediate attention or if FINN is having some highly uncharacteristic fun at his expense._

FREDERICK: “I, ah, require asylum in this cantina.”

TITANIA: “Are you facing pursuit from a bear, perhaps?”

_FREDERICK does know when TITANIA is making fun of him, and now he lowers his shoulders and raises his chin._

FREDERICK: “I have had the severe misfortune of meeting my alternate self in the corridor and felt it best to retreat.”

_At the mention of an “alternate self,” FINN simply turns towards TITANIA in a silent appeal for explanation of this latest bizarre thing about Askr._

TITANIA: “This would be the version of you that wanders around with his shirt unbuttoned, yes?”

FREDERICK: “Yes! You see, this inferior copy of myself was Summoned from some tropical resort where he was guarding the royal family of Ylisse on a pleasure jaunt, and as such goes about in a most disgraceful state of undress.”

FINN: “I see. Why don’t you lend him some of your clothes?”

FREDERICK: “That would require communing with him, and I do not care to do such. Soft living at the resort has given him a propensity for sin.”

_FREDERICK crosses his arms and looks ashamed of everything._

TITANIA: “If your double has developed a taste for sinning at this otherworldly resort, isn’t the cantina a very likely place for him to turn up?”

FREDERICK: “Hmm. This reasoning is sound. On second thought, it’s best I retreat to the library.”

 _TITANIA stares at the swinging ropes of beads FREDERICK leaves in his wake. He’s been a good friend to her for nigh on a year now, but she’s beginning to understand why he would perturb a newcomer far more than someone like SETH._

TITANIA: “He must not know what goes on in the library after hours.”

FINN: “What a peculiar innocence that man possesses. Has he ever truly been in a war before coming to Askr?”

TITANIA: “I get the impression the Shepherds of Ylisse are more of a policing force than a seasoned army.”

_A silhouette appears at the bead curtain._

FREDERICK #2: “Pardon me. Am I interrupting something?”

 _(simultaneously)_  
FINN: “Yes.”  
TITANIA: “No.”

_FREDERICK #2 is, quite simply, the FREDERICK they see every day in the commissary and yet… not. His hair is more disheveled, he’s wearing shorts and sandals, and his open shirt exposes a great deal of bare skin. Behind the bar, ANNA reaches ever-so-coyly for her camera. Snapshots of a shirtless FREDERICK might be a niche-market item but at least the market for them exists._

TITANIA: “There’s nothing going on here tonight save two war-horses reminiscing about the past.”

FREDERICK #2: “Ah! I must say, when I was at the resort I had the chance to talk with some old sea dogs down at the docks. They informed me that the grip of nostalgia is an oft-overlooked symptom of the scurvy!”

TITANIA: “We all get sufficient fresh air and exercise here, Frederick, so I wouldn’t waste a thought on the scurvy.”

FREDERICK #2: “Might I join you at the bar? I may not be dressed for polite company…”

_FREDERICK #2 blushes. As he is overcome with a wave of self-consciousness at the state of his undress, he fails to notice that TITANIA and FINN are both, to put it bluntly, checking him out. Not that FREDERICK #2 is exactly Commander Greil or Prince Quan, but there are definitely worse things to look at in a lonely cantina at 9:45 PM on what is technically a weeknight. TITANIA and FINN complete their assessment of FREDERICK #2, nod at one another in mutual understanding as FREDERICK #2 stands there in immodest chagrin, and return to the drinks they abandoned when FREDERICK #1 blundered in._

TITANIA: “Sit down, then.”

FREDERICK #2: “I haven’t really had the chance to converse with any of my fellows here. One moment I was relaxing on a beach, and the next I was in this place where it seems I can’t even be a friend to my own self.”

_As a pall of evident pity descends over FREDERICK #2, TITANIA and FINN exchange another significant glance._

FINN: “If you need to cover up, I could loan you my cloak.”

_Said garment is hanging on a peg next to the Absolutely No Weapons sign on the wall. FREDERICK #2 takes the dazzling white cloak, drapes it around his body like an oversized beach towel, and sits on the barstool between TITANIA and FINN appearing to be a happy camper indeed._

ANNA: “Last call! Will there be anything else tonight?”

_It is not Last Call. ANNA is hoping to get enough drinks into FREDERICK #2 to get him to drop the cloak._

FREDERICK #2: “Would you be able to make me a tiki drink? It has nothing to do with the Lady Tiki of course, but I think it involved white rum, dark rum, spiced rum, an unpeeled orange…”

_FREDERICK #2 rattles off at least fourteen ingredients, ranging from a blue orchid to three drops of Rainbow Potion._

TITANIA: “Hit me again and charge it to his account.”

_TITANIA points to FREDERICK #2._

FINN: “The same.”

_They don’t know how much credit FREDERICK #2 even has in his Hero Merit account, but by the gods they are going to find out before curfew tonight._

**To Be Continued... In "Leftover Chocolates," in which we possibly see the sensitive side of Seth.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Titania's medical advice on "the scurvy" is of course obsolete and wrong. Nobody's perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> FEH did some, uh, interesting things with Seth's characterization. Anyway, we've got Good Grandpa, Bad Grandpa, Den Mom, Hot Mess #1, Hot Mess #2, the Lovebirds, and Frederick the wacky uncle or whatever he fits as.


End file.
